Sunday, December 28, 2008

the seasOn that was...

It is time for Wayward O's SECOND ANNUAL look-back at key dates for Orioles. Strap on your sad pants, diasporational dunderheads, order up a large chocklit dipndotz and let's have a look ......

Jan. 13 - Baltimore Sun scribe Dan Connolly coins "the lost season" sobriquet for upcoming year as team struggles to find identity and hopes dim for anything other than a basement finish in AL East. Throughout early part of year, yapping about Brian Roberts being traded pervades airwaves but sprightly 2nd baseman remains with team. Question: If last year was lost season, what is this year? The even loster season?

Jan. 17 - Houston paper freaks out over legal implications of Miguel Tejada trade. Did Os pull fast one on Astros? Well, ya. Question: Is Miguel actually still in legal limbo with respect to JUICING? Unclear. Tejada's .283 with continued dramatic HR fall off in 2008 suggests star's best years may be behind him. However, 86-win Astros did contend in tough division. That is what team sought for in trade.

Jan. 27 - Fancy Ken Rosenthal gums up works with thinly sourced reports about impending trade of Erik Bedard to Seattle Mariners for several players. Nearly two weeks of media gyrations ensue before trade is consummated Feb. 8 and Orioles boss Andy MacPhail chides reporters for happy idiot dance. "None of that was accurate," he says of Ken Rosenthal's reporting among others'. But it doesn't stop Foxburger McNews from hyping Rosenthal all year. This pooptastic dynamic along with ESPN blatant hate for team continues to confound Wayward O as era of corrupt sports journalism persists.

Feb. 13 - Blog celebrates first birthday!

Feb. 28 - MLB.com kicks off season with thud as grapefruit league radio broadcasts FAIL to be delivered via new streaming media system powered by Microsoft. Later in year MLB.com unceremoniously dumps "new" Silverlight player without a word. ALSO ON THIS DATE: New 1B coach and former hidden ball trick vic John Shelby says "one thing that i have to make sure of is where the ball is." Modest but acceptably truthful. T-bone succeeds in achieving 2008 goal(s)!

March 10 - Wayward O and everyone else in world picks team to finish last in division. Do not be sad.

March 30 - Rule 5 draftee and kiddee fan favorite Jay Gibbons, caught up in steroid scandal, is cut by team. And it is sad in many ways ... it is life's rich pageant. Gibbons is currently a free agent. Or something.

March 31 - "Jacked up" Rays shtoonk Team in season opener with a 6-2 as they wend their way toward WORLD SERIES. Fat Kevin Millar accounts for team's only 2 runs. Wire service reports note following:

The announced attendance at Camden Yards was 46,807, a sellout, but the stadium was far from full. The thousands of empty seats might have been the result of the cool, damp weather.

Our opening day short stop.
And our empty seats....

ALSO ON THIS DATE: Team signs Alex Cintron to minor league contract as year-long dance of futility begins at short. No fewer than six short stops will kick baseball around Camden dirt before '08 is said and done.

April 7 - Os fans are first to realize that team got over on Seattle Mariners, big time, with Bedard / Jones, Sherrill trade. Team sweeps ass-dragging Ms in four-game set. By year's end Seattle media and fans enter OPEN REBELLION against Bedard, whose attitude long has been in question, and trade goes on to claim KEY MEMBERS of Ms front office. ALSO: Relievers Dennis Sarfate and Matt Albers show some early promise.

April 8 - Aubrey Huff hits home run two-run double in four-RBI effort vs. Texas Rangers of Texas. Despite ump's taking HR off the board, Aub goes on to SHUT THE MOUTHS OF HOLIER THAN THOU FANS with MASSIVE YEAR.


Note for 2009: Growed-up, mature Aubrey is on verge of greatness as a ballplayer. We may not miss Tex at all.

April 18 - Wild but effective Daniel Cabrera somehow beats Yankees and Wayward O (for fifteenth time) is convinced that old Big Bird's salad days finally have arrived. Twas a silly little notion as unwatchable fastballer ultimately stumbles through another summer.

April 22 - Jeremy Guthrie goes 7 2/3rds in tough loss to Mariners. DiaspOra pisses and moans about manager leaving St. Guts in too long even though Dave Trembley had previously said his starters will stay in games. Wayward O continues to marvel at fans who always take "right side" of issue depending on outcome of games. Such fans are a-holes.


Guts also made awesome putout
in above-mentioned contest.

May 3 - Amazing results from ESSKAY MEAT SURVEY!!!



May 13 - Guthrie outduels Beckett, 5-4 at Camden and Boston fan gets pummeled by friendly locals in land of pleasant living ....



Luke Scott hits 3-run doinger.

May 14 - Sherrill earns 15th save, Cabrera runs record to 4-1 and Jay Payton hits grand slam vs. Boston. "WHAT IS GOING ON????" wary fanz ask.

May 23 - Aub gets jobbed by shitty umpire in 2-0 loss to Rays.


HORSESHIT CALL

May 25 - Earl's Weaver's oft-replayed web rant about "Terry F*ckin' Crowley" bleeds into on-air sound during live YES Yankees broadcast. Clip of Earl going off on Alice and her, um, romantic proclivities is pulled from YES site not long after it surfaces. But Wayward O heard it. And you heard it. And that's all that matters.

May 27 - Luis Hernandez loses starting short stop job.

June 1 - Team finally admits for first time since 1972 that it is FROM BALTIMORE.

June 18 - Fat Kevin Millar hits walk-off single to beat Houston on retro cap night and Os run record in 1-run games to 17-10. Also, many $2 cans of Boh are consumed at Pickles.

June 22 - On Wayward O's birthday no less Freddy the Bee gets DFA'd and sent to minors. Wayward O continues to mourn departure of slick-fielding short stop with positive attitude. Oh well. It's probably for best.

July 30 - Dennis Sarfate gets his first-ever MLB start in the Bronx -- land of his birth no less -- for the demoted Brian Burress. Suffarty gets shellacked as team failed to deliver a rare sweep in enemy territory. ALSO ON THIS DATE: Super blogger Roch Kubatko leaves Sunpaper for fancy teevee web site. Sunpaper subsequently files for bankruptcy (well, sort of) proving Rock's value. And also team ships submariner Chad Bradford to Rays for player to be named. Player has yet to be named.

Aug. 5 - Chris Waters one-hits Angels in scintillating MLB debut.


'I focused on pounding the zone'

But he finishes lost season 3-5 with a 5+ era and kind of stinks. We still like him.

July 2 - Memlo's new, proununciationally challenged, nickname appears in cyberspace and catches on. Wayward O takes fulllllll credit.

July 4 - Freddy the Bee Part Deux, back from the minors! Short stop picks up three RBIs as team runs record to 44-41 and MOVES BRIEFLY INTO THIRD PLACE PRIOR TO Ye YEARLY PANTS~CRAPPING.

July 8 - Super Aub is AL PLAYER OF WEEK with .346 BA for week. Anger of pissy diaspora melts into jealousy.

Aug. 18-31 - Team goes 3 up and 11 down for 2nd half of August including a 14-3 shtoonking at hands of Tampa Bay Rays. Jamie Walker, once a cause for hope, sees complete collapse of pitching ability and draws ire and frustration of fans despite fact that fans would probably still buy him a beer and, you know, some shotgun shells.

Sept 1-3 - Team shtoonked by Red Sox in three-game sweep. Three-game score: Boston 26, Team 10.

Sept. 19-21 - Team shtoonked by Yankees in three-game sweep. Three-game score: New York 11, Team 5.

Sept. 22-24 - Team shtoonked by Rays in four-game sweep. Four-game score: Rays 27, Team 15.

Sept. 28 - Guts takes loss in 10-1 shtoonking at hands of Toronto Blue Jays as Lost Season comes to merciful close with a 68-93. Somehow Guts manages a 10-12 record with a 3.61 ERA. Amazing...

October - For eleventh straight year, October is uneventful for team.

Nov. 12 - Team unveils spiffy new unis with Balto on front.


Yippeee

Dec. 7 - Talks between above-pictured Nikolai Markakis and team over contract extension break off as sides can't agree over a couple million here, a couple million there. Initial hand-wringing soon gives way to hope that deal ultimately will get done.

Dec. 9 - Roch reports that Eddie Murray is skulking around winter meetings, hoping to link up with team's front office. Let's hope it happens!

Dec. 10 - Team sends fat catcher to Reds for Ryan Freel. Another good trade from MacPhail!

Dec. 16 - Cesar Izturis joins fellow Venezuelan MemLo on left side of infield, signing with team and ending yearlong quest for serviceable short stop. Welcome, Cesar!

Dec. 23 - Team's 7-year, $140 million (first) offer is not enough to keep greedy, mindless a-hole Mark Teixeira from doing right thing and making a stand against hideous Yankees. Fans rip Os for failure to sign Maryland boy but reality is that Yankees have overpaid by tens of millions and apparently Tex isn't the kind of guy to let a little something like decency get in the way of being a shithead.

Dec. 28 - Team rejects Sarasota's lowball offer to build low-rent spring stadium for team.

Dec. 29 - After dumping gangly, ineffective right hander, team signs gangly, ineffective left hander, presumably to help team stagger its way through new year. Kerfuffel over "warm bodies" comment erupts on Balto. Sun web pages.

Thank you for reading. Let Wayward O know in comments what he missed and he will add. Also ... what moniker is appropriate for '09 campaign?

Labels:

6 Comments:

Anonymous Sponsort said...

Dear Wayward: That’s a great post.
I’m laughing my ass off and it’s not even opening day! Aubrey Huff has the cojones to be the best DH ever – if the O's don’t screw up and make him a 1st baseman. I’m a meat-meat kind ‘o guy, but I think Guthrie will hit his stride elsewhere, Sarfate’s hot wife is no reason to keep him on the roster. Don’t understand why “Melmo” is hard to pronounce

December 30, 2008 6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meeeellllll-Mooooooooooe!
MMMMEEEELLLLLLL-MOOOOOEEEE!!!

Say it with me.


MMMMEEEELLLLL-MOOOOOEEE!!!

It'll sound good eminating from the stands this year.

How about "The Lost Season.....This time it's for REAL"
In honor of Don Lafontaine. Or not.

-brO
Word Verification: cilles

December 31, 2008 8:05 PM  
Blogger Heath said...

Beautiful.

January 1, 2009 11:49 PM  
Anonymous dan the man said...

Great fucking post.

ONE SUGGESTION! The time when Jimmy Johnson got MANNY RAMIREZ to bounce into game-ending double play with the bases loaded!! Best moment of the year I think.

January 8, 2009 12:39 AM  
Blogger the wayward o said...

wow -- how could i have forgotten the young houdini's exploits?

January 8, 2009 9:10 AM  
Blogger Joe the Guy said...

O -

You rock. If I was a fan before I am now, I don't know, a groupie?

You managed to hit Every nail on it's head with your Hammer of Truth.

2009 could very well be the Season of Turn.

A time to live, a time to die.

Turn, turn, turn.

January 10, 2009 3:56 PM  

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